Sticks.
7th June 2004, 8.08pm

Trying to build a working definition of a stick. What is a stick? Where do sticks come from? They kind of come from trees, except that when a stick is on a tree it's a branch. So is it a stick when you've broken it off from the rest of the tree? That doesn't feel quite right. Maybe a stick is an ex-branch, but maybe there's more to it than that. Dogs fetch sticks, and from memory most of the sticks I've thrown for dogs to fetch haven't been snapped out of trees. They've been picked up off of the ground. So maybe that's where sticks come from: off of the ground. If that's the case, the way to make your own stick is to snap it out of a tree, then drop it on the ground, then pick it up again. I think you might have to make sure there aren't any leaves on it, also. So now the series of steps is: break a branch, strip off any leaves and twigs, drop it on the ground, pick it up again. Voila. Instant stick. Of course, these days the best sticks are made in vacuum-sealed factories staffed solely by futuristic robotic workers who use cadmium lasers to cauterise the branches out of genetically-modified non-leaf-bearing trees and then levitate the seared branches away from the best-practise hermetically treated ceramic tile using hygenic hot-air booster jets onto awaiting conveyor belts to be individually wrapped and sent to the distribution plant warehouse. It's a far cry from the traditional Australian stick farm, where the person who sells you the stick is the person who planted the stick-orchard, but there's no stopping progress. And that's maybe as it should be.

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