Voices from the Darkness -
The Bird / Musings / What do you do? / The Demons Inside / Lifeline
Life / Time Was... / Friends / Fear / Living? / So Easy... /
The BirdI watched a bird die today.
It was lying in our yard
So small and helpess,
And there was absolutely nothing
I could do.
A cat must have got it
Or some larger bird,
Tearing at its head
And then leaving it lying there
On its little side,
As I watched helplessly
It quivered once more,
And then stopped.
And I knew that it was gone.
Out of its pain
I watched a bird die today
And I knew exactly how it felt…
MusingsAnother wave has passed, and I'm still here
I suppose I'm supposed to be glad.
But I can't find a source of joy
Right now I'm just plain sad.
I want to cry my heart out
But my water bill must be in arrears,
Because no matter how deep my misery,
I can't seem to find any tears…
My spirit's flat, my soul wrung out
All joy in my life is long gone
I can vaguely remember laughing,
But right now my 'joy factor' is none.
If I'd had a knife I'd have used it
At the peak of my despair.
So I guess I'm just plain lucky,
That the instrument wasn't there.
For now my life will go on
Whatever it may lack
But I know, when I least expect it
The Darkness will come back.
What do you do?What do you do when you don't want to live,
But you're not yet ready to die?
What do you do when the life that you lead
Has turned out to be just a lie?
What do you do when you're so much alone
That it seems like there's no-one at all?
What do you do when you're right on the edge,
With no-one to catch you when you fall?
What do you do when you can't even pray,
Because there seems to be no point to prayer?
What can you do? Who can you call?
When it seems even God doesn't care…
The Demons InsideI've been fighting my demons for fourteen years,
And I've run out of energy to fight.
The sun may be shining outside of this room
But in my soul it's night.
At times I've imagined I'd come out on top
Of the Demons inside of my head.
And in a way I suppose I WAS winning the fight
If I hadn't, by now I'd be dead.
But now the dark clouds have regathered,
And I've lost my last semblance of hope.
Fear and despair have erased it,
And without it there's no way to cope.
My life has no purpose or meaning
There's nothing inside me but fear.
Fear over whether I'll continue
To find life so dark and drear
Because, I'm afraid if this goes on,
There will be only one last path left
And if, in my weakness I take it
I doubt anyone will be bereft…
LifelineThe world is flat, all joy is gone
Was it ever there?
I curl my knees up to my chest
And sink into despair
I 'spose I should try to get out of this slough,
But I can't bring my self to care…
Life will go on without me
No one will notice if I'm not there.
"It's just not fair!" my spirit cries
but who ever said that life was fair?
It tramples on your hopes and dreams -
Life's hard, it hurts, just live with it
If you can't, what are you doing here?
I ask myself this question now,
But no answer do I hear…
Except perhaps a whisper
A tiny thread of hope
If there's just one who cares about me
Then perhaps I'll cope.
If there's one solitary being
Who wants me as part of their life,
Then perhaps it will bring some meaning
To this dark and lonely life
Perhaps it will be a reason,
A beginning and not an end?
So I turn on the computer,
And I ask 'Are you there, my friends?"
LifeWhy does life
Always hand you brickbats
When it offered balloons?
Why should it not?
Give me one good reason.
'Life' isn't fair
'Life' doesn't care
'Life' is just there…
It's not 'Life's fault
If you're a feeble human being
Too weak to stand up for yourself
Too foolish to beat the stakes
And too stupid to figure out why you can't win.
'Life' didn't make you…
YOU made you
And if you can't run the race
Why are you in it?
There's always an answer
If you look deep inside.
A way to stop hurting
An end to all pain
Tempting, so tempting
God, please give me strength
To feel the pain
And run the race
And not give in.
I don't want to die
When I haven't ever lived…
Time WasTime was
When I had hope
Hopes for the future
A simple life,
Free from trouble and pain
With someone to love and care for me
And a houseful of children
To share our joy
And a God who was gentle and kind
Watching over me.
When I believed
That Hope was enough…
A life of heart-sickness
A life where all my hopes
Have been gradually torn apart.
A life with no love
and a God
Who has turned his back on me
If he was ever there.
Time will be
As much as I can bear,
And then some.
That's what I've had so far,
And I've no reason to believe
That it will change…
When I had hope
When I know better.
Time will be…
FriendsThey say a friend in need
Is a friend indeed.
I wouldn't know -
Up until now
I've never had one.
A friend that is,
Not a need.
I've had needs a'plenty,
Just no friends to fulfil them.
Just when things look blackest
I seem to have found a friend.
But not just one…
By some miracle I don't understand,
There are people lining up
To try to keep me here.
And to help me feel better
Or to try to feel better…
I certainly never expected this.
And I'm not sure where they came from,
But they're there
And deep inside
I can't help feeling
That these are my true friends,
And that I should be very grateful for them,
And to them.
And I am.
But too, I'm asking
'Is it enough?'
And I'm afraid I don't know
What the answer is…
FearA carpet across my soul
Blinkers upon my eyes
Cotton wool stuffed in my brain
No feeling left but fear.
Fear over whether I’ll go on,
Fear over whether I won’t…
Fear about whether I’m right,
Stark terror at the thought that I’m wrong…
Fear that I’ll be forever Alone,
Fear that I won’t get the chance…
Fear that nobody wants to help me,
Fear that I'll find that they do…
Fear that they’ll know that I’m Weak,
Fear that I’m not able to be strong…
Fear that I’ll pull them down with me…
I’m living from moment to moment,
Not even from day to day
It feels as if this darkness
Will never go away.
I’m cold, so cold, inside my soul
I cannot feel the sun
There once was a point to my existance,
But now my race is run.
I came last of course, I always do
I never expected to win.
But it would have been nice to have had a chance
To avoid this state I’m in.
I know there’s one sure way to end it
To cease to feel the pain
But I’m afraid that I’d still be a failure
And wake to face it all again.
I’m afraid to live, afraid to die,
I cannot make a choice.
My friends tell me to ‘Do something!’
But my fear has stilled my voice.
So I suppose I’ll just have to continue
In this dark and joyless life
Until I get desperate enough to CHOOSE –
The Darkness or the Knife.
So Easy...It would be so easy
just to give in
to take my pills
and drink my booze
and let them ease all my fears...
to sink into forgetfulness
the absence of all emotion.
thoughts, feelings, actions stilled.
no fear, no pain, no sorrow
just peaceful rest.
to go to sleep
and never wake up.
It would be so very easy...
But because it is so easy
that is precisely the reason
why I will not take it.
I've never been a quitter
and I'm not going
to start now.
not without a fight.
not when the stakes are so high
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